A Basic Crash Course for In-Person Business Etiquette
by Rebecca Froehlich
If you’re like me and joined the professional world virtually during the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic, you might find yourself feeling lost when you enter in-person professional spaces. When should you cash in your drink ticket at a cocktail event? What should you wear if the dress code was not included on the invitation? How do you smoothly exchange business cards? Seasoned professionals from other generations had plenty of opportunities for social etiquette trial and error. If you started your career or a new job via Zoom, you likely missed out on these chances to practice your professional etiquette, which is a specific set of skills. After all, no one’s born with savoir-faire. It’s learned. That’s why I reached out to etiquette consultant Julie Frantz, owner and instructor of Everyday Etiquette, for expert guidance. Learn from the ways she guided me through several sticky–and relatable– in-person scenarios below.
Be the Dinner Guest You’d Like to Be Seated By
Congratulations! You’ve been invited to your first work luncheon or dinner. If you must go back to the office, at least you’re getting the perk of free food. However, there’s more to know than which knife or fork to use and at what time.
Know Before You Go
Be sure to communicate any dietary restrictions you have in advance of arriving. Feel free to reach out and ask for a dress code if the invitation or venue’s website does not state it. The three most important pointers for attire are: dress to your personal best, dress according to the expectations of your audience, and dress for the situation.
If you were invited out, be aware that your host is the one who will pick up the bill and arrange for the table. If the host is not there yet when you arrive, wait to be seated until you see them.
Strike a Balance
“When you order food in either a business or casual setting, be aware that you don’t order the most expensive or cheapest item,” Julie says. “Follow the lead of your host and try to stay in the mid-price range if possible. You can always ask your host for a recommendation and they’ll give you an idea of what would be appropriate to order.”
Don’t Miss The Most Important Rule of Dining Etiquette
It’s not hard to find tutorials online for how to dine according to different areas’ customs. (Some even include instructions on how to eat challenging foods like spaghetti, corn on the cob, or oysters!) However you hold your fork, there’s one major dining faux pas that’s easy to avoid yet far too commonplace: keeping your phone on the table and/or using it during mealtime. “When you’re dining or having coffee, silence your phone and put it away. If you have an important phone call, preface the meeting by telling people that might happen, and then step away and let them know you’re doing that,” Julie advises. “And it’s not just the younger generation doing this. Many people have a strong ‘Fear Of Missing Out’, yet they don’t engage with the people and moments right in front of them.” If you need a way to divert your nervous energy while sharing a meal, discreetly using some type of small fidget is less distracting than scrolling on a phone.
Brush Up Your Conversational Skills
“Try to go into every meal with five safe topics of conversation that you feel comfortable introducing. For example, you could ask if the hockey season is done here in Minnesota,” says Julie. “If you don’t know the people you’re with very well, stay away from topics that could cause blood pressure to escalate, or topics you know will exclude certain people at the table.” If someone brings up an incendiary topic you don’t feel prepared to talk about, you could say something like “I’d prefer not to talk about that here” or “I personally have a different perspective on that” and change the subject to something lighter and less controversial.
“Conversation means constantly listening with both your mind and ears,” Julie shares. “Ideally, it’s a game of tennis, moving the ball back and forth between players.” In this way, changing the topic can be a way to serve the ball back into the court.
How To Network Without Breakout Rooms or Zoom Reacts
With a skilled facilitator, Zoom networking can lead to some powerful connections, but it has little in common with what a traditional networking event looks and feels like. Julie shares the following tips for approaching an in-person networking event.
Quality Over Quantity
Julie advises that the best strategy for a networking event is to focus your energy. “In a networking environment, aiming to make 3 to 4 meaningful and strategic connections is so much better than going into an event haphazardly,” Julie says. One way to effectively take on this strategy is to do your research before the event. “In a networking setting, I would identify the people you are targeting to meet in advance and try to reach out to them ahead of the event via email or LinkedIn, saying, ‘I understand you’ll be at this event and I’d love to meet up there.’”
Plan What to Do With Your Hands
First, put your nametag on your right side near your shoulder. It’s easier to read names during a handshake this way.
Avoid the temptation to fill both your hands with a drink and plate of food right away. “Many people think starting with a drink will give them more confidence,” Julie explains. “Instead, I recommend practicing in a low-stakes environment or taking some classes that build confidence ahead of time so you don’t need that crutch. First, meet people, then have something to eat, and last, maybe drink - or maybe not. It’s okay to be concerned about having your wits about you and being on top of your game.” Once you do have a drink, keep it in your left hand so your right hand is open to greet people. And of course, do not feel pressured to drink alcohol if you are not comfortable doing so for any reason. If you want to hold a drink that’s a bit ambiguous, ask for a ginger ale or club soda and lime.
When approaching for a handshake, use your right hand and shake with the same strength you’d use to pick up a bottle of water- firm, but not a hard squeeze. Avoid wiggling your fingers or placing your second hand on top of their hand. Two or three up-and-down motions is sufficient. If you are COVID-cautious or have another reason you don’t want to shake hands, Julie advises to have a book, handbag, or something similar to keep your right hand unavailable. You may say something like: “I’m still not really shaking hands, but it’s so nice to meet you. My name is…”
Remember the Six S’s
While the traditions for greetings vary in every culture, the “Six S’s” are generally an easy shortcut to make someone feel welcome in an American business setting. They are:
Stand up - to show respect.
Step forward - to show your enthusiasm.
Smile - to show you’re friendly.
See them - make eye contact.
Shake their hand - or choose an alternative.
Say hello - introduce yourself.
Keep Hard Copies Handy
Even in the age where QR codes are ubiquitous, business cards and printed materials to promote yourself and/or your nonprofit are still a useful option. It’s better to have these on hand, especially if someone asks you for it, and print materials that also include a longhand URL (not just a QR code) ensures the information is accessible to people with varying degrees of technical sophistication and preference. Rather than leaving your materials on a table or passing them out like parade candy, keep them close to you in a folder or case and hand them out when someone seems genuinely engaged. Make sure the copies are up-to-date, clean, and don’t have information crossed out. When you receive a business card from someone, take it, look at it, and make a comment acknowledging it. (A compliment on the design is fine, but no need to overdo it.) Then put it in a case or a small pocket in your bag. Don’t fold it or stuff it in your pocket; treat it with respect.
Making Presentations the Old Fashioned Way
Many people have experienced “Zoom panic” and find it challenging to present at virtual meetings. But now, even the speakers who mastered on-camera presentations might stumble when they step back on an in-person stage. The common denominator? Public speaking is hard! More than ¾ of the population is said to suffer from fear of public speaking, and the physical sensations associated with an in-person audience might be a major adjustment for public speakers. Here are some strategies to keep in mind as you take on in-person presentations.
Mind Over Matter
When you speak in front of a group and have dozens of eyes following your every move, you’ll feel a primal physiological reaction. Your heart may race. Your face may flush. Some people might prefer to dampen this reaction by attempting to calm themselves, and techniques like box breathing (breathe in 4 counts, hold 4 counts, exhale 4 counts) can do this effectively. One seemingly paradoxical technique can be to acknowledge these sensations and embrace them by simply reframing the idea of “I am anxious” as “I am excited.” Alison Wood Brooks of Harvard Business School argues, “General consensus has emerged that reappraisal is the most effective strategy for mitigating the experience of state anxiety.” Julie adds her personal take on this, explaining, “I’ve been doing this for 25 years, and every time I speak, I still get nervous…or excited. Think of each time you speak as an opportunity to learn. That openness keeps positive energy flowing.”
Avoid Avoidance
The more you avoid public speaking, the greater the threat grows in your head. The most effective way to move past this anxiety is by gradual exposure. Start by going to events with skillful public speakers and practice being an attentive audience member. Observe the presenters and identify what parts of their speaking style and techniques you might be able to apply in your own work. Practice speaking in front of your mirror and then just one person. You can even do a presentation in a virtual reality setting while using a goofy avatar! Improv exercises can be a helpful way to tame the nerves, grow in confidence, and improve your extemporaneous speaking skills. Try experimenting with Jia Jang’s rejection therapy. If you know you have a fear of public speaking, be proactive in finding ways to chip away at it long before you’re asked to do a major in-person presentation. You might find out you tolerate or even enjoy it in the process.
Preparation Is Paramount
“Prior preparation prevents poor performance,” Julie quotes to me. One of the most effective methods is to return to your Zoom app as you practice - not to broadcast your speech, but to film it. A mirror or video can show you where your nervous energy comes out in ways you likely can’t sense on your own while speaking. Some people sway. Some people twitch their fingers. Some over-gesture. And some are so still they seem stiff. If you don’t have the benefit of a speech coach, a recording can help you self-coach. It’ll also serve as a record of your improvement over time!
Doing vocal warmup exercises in a private space shortly before a presentation can help warm up your face and mouth muscles, smoothing out any disfluencies that come from nerves. No one will be able to tell you’re saying “she sells seashells” in the parking lot before an event! A few favorites for tricky consonants include:
Eleven benevolent elephants. Eleven malevolent elephants.
A proper cup of coffee from a proper copper coffee pot.
The Irish wish for a Swiss wristwatch. The Swiss wish for an Irish wristwatch.
As you prepare a presentation, use an intentional structure that you can fall back on to impart your message, regardless of any performance issues. An interesting and engaging introduction will hook your audience with a spoonful of sugar before the medicine goes down. Keep information digestible by using a three-point structure. And at minimum, don’t forget to tell your audience what you’re going to tell them, tell it to them, and then tell them what you told them.
Three Final Pointers for Everyday Etiquette
If you’ve already mastered the above areas of in-person etiquette (Good for you! Can you teach me more?), keep these more basic pointers in mind as well. They mattered before the pandemic, but they matter even more now as we balance a hybrid work world.
Practice High-Impact Skills in a Low-Stakes Setting
When you realize your savoir faire in social situations needs a tune-up, start small. Learn from the many resources available on the internet, including books, tutorial videos, and training classes - and then put it to use. The more you implement the skills, the easier they are to use in a high-stakes setting. Just as people are encouraged to “use the good china” outside of special occasions, your good etiquette will become ingrained as a habit with daily use in low-stakes settings.
Don’t Underestimate the Hand-written Note
As nonprofit professionals, we’ve all probably hand-written our share of donor thank yous. But they’re appropriate in many areas. “The most meaningful way to correspond is hand-written correspondence. Why? We know it takes more effort, but in truth, it doesn’t take more than 5 minutes to put your pen to paper,” Julie tells me. “Everyone likes going to the mailbox to get handwritten communications. It’s appropriate to thank someone for a gift, to write a sympathy card, or to celebrate a promotion or birthday.” Your words might have more of an impact than you realize. Just ask Minna Yang, who earned a special surprise after staying in touch with her teachers for years via hand-written thank you notes.
A First Impression Isn’t Your Last Chance
Perhaps you’re worried that you bungled your last dinner, networking event, or presentation. Julie’s advice? “It is never too late to give it a try again. The more that you learn, the more confidence you will have. We can only do better when we know better. When you make a blunder, remember that you’ll remember it much more than anyone else does.”
The “Spotlight Effect” makes us believe that others pay attention to us far more than they actually do. What they will actually take notice of is how your behavior directly affects them. It’s never too late to change your approach to etiquette, even with people you’ve known for years.
If you want to begin learning and applying these skills in an in-person setting, check out Julie’s upcoming Business Etiquette course at the Saint Paul Hotel, or other events (including children’s classes!) at Everyday Etiquette.
